Desires VS. Expectations

Desire is the underlying basic foundation for all existence. Nothing in this world gets acted upon without the desire to do so. All our thoughts, ideas, and actions stem from the birth of a desire. Desire does get a bad reputation but actually, desire is the foundation of all growth and expansion of life. Without desire, we’d probably still be rocks. Just kidding. Even rocks transforms itself into diamonds somehow! So from rocks that purify itself into diamonds, seeds that grows into a big apple trees, to all the animals and humans that are born out of the natural evolution of life stemming from the desire or intention to evolve. This universal intention or desire to grow, evolve, and expand also includes a very simple acceptance of the way things are.  Animals don’t worry what other animals think of them or plan revenge on the lion that ate their zebra dad. Yes, like us, they enjoy social interactions and good meals but they also take suffering such as illness and death as it comes without adding more woe to it than needs be. When I look at nature, I marvel at how effortless this intention or instinct unfolds into such a magnificent, miraculous world that we live in. How every element, both living and non-living, changes and evolves to complement each other and sustain all life on earth as we know it. 

Then we have us human beings, whose desire is composed of part instinct and part free will. The fact that we can choose our desires and are mega-cognitive about it (being aware of our own intentions) and that we can change our intentions at will makes us remarkably different from all other life forms on earth. This fact alone is the sole reason for our innovation, imagination, and creation of all shapes and forms but it is also the cause of all human chaos, war, conflict, and self-destruction. 

I have always believed that everyone is born with good intentions (desires).

Now since a young child, I have always believed that everyone is born with good intentions (desires) Every single one of us without exception wants to be happy and love others and to feel loved in return. When we were little, we didn’t have many expectations yet. All children, especially under the age of two, live very much in the present moment. They are hugged, they feel and express happiness. When they are upset, they cry. Every moment starts as it starts and ends as it ends. There is no pretension. This is why adults love young children, they are so innocent, they are not yet tainted with judgment, expectations, or pretension. Fascinatingly, after two years old, children start to develop more complex cognitive abilities and social awareness, mimicking adults in learning to pretend or act in order to evoke certain responses from others. 

Adults too have this same instinctual desire to be happy and loved. However, from the time when we were children to the time we grow into adulthood, we develop into a very complicated self. This complex self or ego self often has  conflicting needs and wants with our original good intentions. Why is it that we mean well but we end up creating problems in our lives? Unmet childhood needs and our lack of life understanding as children turn us into complicated, problem-filled adults. 

As this social awareness and self identity (ego) kicks in as we grow up, little by little, apart from acting from a place of intentions, expectations form alongside the intention. Why isn’t she playing with me? Why does my mom pay more attention to my sister? Why did my co-worker confide in her and not me? Why am I stuck in this job or with this partner?  I am so unlucky in love. I will never be as successful as other members in my family. The more we grow up in society, the more we are conditioned to develop limiting beliefs, a consciousness of lack, shame, blame, and guilt. We come to believe as truth that everything we need to be happy or worthy is out there and not in here, within us. We somehow brainwash ourselves into believing that we will only be worthy when others love us, that we will be satisfied when we attain our perfect body and belongings, or that we will only be successful when we have “made it” in society. The more lack we feel, the more we desire to fill that lack. This sense of lack forms starts forming a hole in our hearts early on since childhood and mostly gets deeper as we grow into adulthood. Eckhart Tolle calls this our pain-body.  The pain-body often involves this inner persistent belief about something being wrong about us or this feeling of lack that we end up spending the rest of our lives trying to fill. Some people try to fill this hole by pleasing others, some by buying more things, some by being an overachiever, some even by being of contribution. Not that working a lot or helping others is wrong at all. But even when we are being productive or doing good, if it comes from a place of lack, we will never truly heal that hole inside of us no matter how much we work or how much we contribute. On the flip side, if we worked hard, bought things, or helped others from a place of ease, peace, and joy, our thoughts and actions would serve to expand us rather than to distract or compensate for what we actually believe we lack.

Unconscious endless, expectations or “pain-bodies” also are the cause of our blindness to the miracle of the present moment. We can get so consumed in our perception of lack that we often can’t even truly enjoy a single cup of coffee without worry or endless streams of thoughts. As we focus more and more on what we lack and feel upset or depressed by unmet expectations, we literally are incapable of feeling appreciation for the things that we do have. And the irony is that once certain expectations are met, we quickly form new unmet ones to keep us in the never ending loop of dissatisfaction. 

Most of us live our lives with so many unfulfilled expectations and yet we unconsciously continue to carry on with the very same thoughts, actions, and behavior that continue to create these circumstances we do not want! We try so hard to control what happens and resist what we don’t want yet the more we do that, the more our life seems to spin out of control. As a consequence of feeling defeated to “control” our lives, many of us have come to expect for the worst to happen. And the result is that most days we live our lives in fear, anxiety, and depression. It eats away our spirit a little more each day. From my personal experience, depression is a state of mind that is the result of years and years of negative thinking which in turn creates a sense of hopelessness that my needs and wants will never be met. I cannot speak for others whose depression may be due to genetics or chemicals in the brain but I know for myself, the cause of my past depression is the kind of misperceived, tainted thoughts I had about myself and my life. It’s as if I had been looking at myself and my life while through sunglasses. I couldn’t see the beauty or joy through the dark lenses. 

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” - Albert Einstein 

I cannot agree more with Einstein. We cannot create change or because we are stuck in the same perception we had when we created our problems! This is the root cause of all human misery and suffering.  Yet we continue to inflict this on ourselves. If we don’t like this result, then why keep doing things to create the same result? This is basically insanity!  But we are all guilty of it. This doesn’t mean we are stupid. This only means we are lacking in the consciousness or awareness needed to have the clarity or wisdom to see the reality of our own choices. Even if we don’t make a choice to change and to continue living in lack, that too is a choice. Once we continue live from this place of lack day in and day out, we become depleted of the energy to inspire and motivate ourselves to create that which we actually want in our lives.

Can you imagine, just for a split second, just what if we already had everything we would never need to be be happy and whole? What if before we could attain all our ideals and expectations, we are already absolutely fine and worthy just as we are. Then whether we attain what we want or not, it really doesn’t matter!  Because we know we already have everything we need to be happy inside of us! This was a very foreign and mind-blowing concept for me years ago when I first came across it while reading one of my hundreds of books on spirituality.  It was so foreign that I felt it was hokey-pokey and only something all of the hippies out there would believe. And when I was in a more angered state of mind, it even felt rubbish and crazy. Yet a part of me deep side, the intuitive part of me, just knew that this is the truth. We have been born whole and complete all along but the ego we have developed while growing up have convinced us otherwise! 

Some people may think that this feeling of having enough or being enough will cause us to become lazy in life or to never grow. But contradictorily, once we know we are enough as we are, all our thoughts and actions that spring from this state of mind will be of fun, ease and joy! Then we can create, create, and create boundlessly! We can finally create without fear of what others will think of us. We can finally overcome our deep-rooted and intense fear of failure because we are no longer paralyzed by our desperate need to succeed, by our need to control the outcome. When we take that desperation for success out of the equation, the fear is instantly resolved because the need is no longer there!  We simply can relax in the joy of creating for creation itself. We fear because we want something so bad. How can we perform as our best selves when we are crippled in fear? Now imagine creating from the feeling of freedom? Can you imagine how remarkably different the results would be? 

When we act from a place of fullness, we are no longer neurotic about trying to control what happens next because the joy lies in the actual doing, not what will come out of our doing. We learn to feel satisfied just by the doing itself. We learn to finally enjoy the process even before any kind of “result” takes place. This is a state of bliss in its purest form. And ironically, the results will take care of itself. If we have done our best and then truly allow for life to take care of the rest. And if the world responds back excitedly then great, if it doesn’t, that works too because we are already fulfilled from the inside. Success or failure is an outcome we cannot control or predict. Creating for oneself should be the main reason why we create. It’s a selfish endeavor indeed and a most satisfying one at that! 

This is the secret to life; to live each day out of our purest intention / desire and to act with ease in alignment with what feels right in our soul, while freeing ourselves from all the pain of  expectation on the outcome as we come to trust that the Universe will give us what we truly need at the right time, right place. 

If we were to have any expectations in life, let it be the expectation that regardless of whether things turn out our way or not, we can expect that the Universe is always taking care of us in the way that is meant for us. We can expect to learn from anything that happens. We can expect that all challenges are here to help us grow. Expect that there is no coincidence and every single thing happens for a reason. Expect that although we may not be able to zap and change our reality in an instant, we  have the power to change our own perception of our lives the very second we make our minds up to. Expect that we can choose to love and respect ourselves no matter who loves or doesn’t love us. The trick lies in knowing what expectations are good for us and which ones aren’t. Which ones we can rely on and which ones we can’t.  And if you have noticed, the most reliable expectations are the ones that only concern ourselves. Everyone is born with a very special power that is unique only to human beings, but it can only be used to change ourselves, not anyone or anything else. Anything outside of us is not in our control. If only everyone on earth realized this, there would be so much less blame, chaos, and conflict in the our world.