On Learning to Love Ourselves

What if all children were taught growing up that they were already whole and perfect exactly as they are? That they didn’t need to try to become anyone or anything else except to enjoy  who they already are? Wow. I think the world would look pretty different than what it is today. There would be more kindness, compassion, and a sense of greater well-being all around in every community around the world. 

As children, we are all born naturally feeling amazed with life. We feel fascinated with nature, animals, people, and ourselves! This newfound sense of awe and curiosity though is soon replaced with an increasing sense of egoic certainty of limiting beliefs as we grow up. Our awe slowly becomes dulled by our increasing thoughts of worry and anxiety which if left unresolved, turns into  hatred and violence in some, depression and hopelessness in others. This type of confidence I’m referring to is not the kind of pure energy of self-love or self-belief. It is the limiting kind, one where we come to believe we have figured out how the world works and no one can convince us otherwise. We have figured out that the world is often a scary place where people are out there to take advantage of us and we have exert so much effort to prove our worth not just to the world, but especially to ourselves. We drive ourselves insane with ideas and expectations on how we should act or should have acted, what we should say, who we should associate with based on limiting beliefs such as “I am not good enough” or an overall life mindset such as resources are scarce or survival of the fittest. We have been taught by society that to be the best, we have to push our way up to the top and even be willing to hurt others along the way. We have been taught that we need to cling with all our dear lives to what is “rightfully” ours and to defend and attack when others want to take anything away from us. We have told ourselves that we need to figure out our dreams and become somebody or achieve something, or our lives are meaningless. We have become resistant to the idea of allowing things to be as they are because actually, we don’t feel okay as we are. We feel that we have to be in full control of our lives because deep down, we feel this immense lack in our soul. We feel flawed, incomplete, and lacking. 

For my entire life after childhood, I lived in alternating states of boredom, anxiety or agony and waited for those special, few moments of achievement or success to feel good about myself and my life. The rest of the days were most lived feeling confused, unsure, and at the lowest points, depressed. I just never knew why that was, I just had this firm belief that life was pointless and painful and that happiness was not in my control. The notion that we are born to work and strive so hard for success and then die didn’t make sense at all and I didn’t like it at all but there was no other belief I knew of. I often times wished it could all be over soon so I can finally experience safety, security, and everlasting peace. It was excruciating to deal with the drama in my head that at the time, I didn’t know was self and society created. I truly believed that other people and external situations had the rightful power to dictate how I feel each day. I truly believed we were all victims of a scary and cruel world. It was my truth. And it created a very bleak, lonely, and fearful experience for me as a teenager and adult. And when it contrasted so much with my childhood of rainbows, fairies, care bears, and dreams, it made me even more depressed because it convinced me my childhood was a lie.  That I was too young and innocent to realize the world is indeed a very scary place. 

The most shocking truth I have learned as an adult is that actually, all these views have been fabricated by the collective human ego. 

But they are limiting beliefs, they are not truth. The first time I read a book called “Love Yourself like Your Life Depends on It” by Kamal …, the idea was very foreign and revolutionary to me that I wanted to reject it immediately. It is really okay to love ourselves no matter what, exactly as we are? Even with all our faults? Isn’t that just wrong? Won’t that make us egotistic, selfish and lazy? Then after months of contemplation on the subject, I witnessed as a distant observer how I felt when I hated and blamed myself (of course it was that familiar horrible feeling that I’ve grown used to) and then again when I forced myself to tell myself that I love me.  At first, it felt awkward and embarrassing (in my own head) to even mutter this to myself mentally. But I kept going at it because Kamal did warn ahead of time that it would feel absolutely weird and crazy for some people. But the more I did it, the more it started to feel less foreign and more natural. After only 2-3 days of replacing negative thoughts about myself or my life with simple repetitive “I love myself”s, I started to feel a little lighter in my heart, a little less tensed up in my body, a little clear in my mind. I started to gain a little more energy each day out of nowhere when everything else in my life remained exactly the same. The only difference was the constant reminders to love myself.

After weeks of consistent practice, I started to enjoy my life even in its most mundane moments because I started to feel this sense of wholeness deep inside, without a reason to feel good because I just did. I no longer needed to do or be anything to earn my own self-approval. I could just be and felt truly okay with who I am, imperfect and all. And I can’t describe in words how liberating I felt when I could get to this state of being. It is such a big relief from the decades of trying so hard to become something, never even enjoying the process of becoming, but instead feeling ashamed and criticizing myself as I strive so hard only to pat myself on the back on rare days that I felt I have “made” it. 

Now the second most hopeful truth is that we also have a spiritual side to us, our higher self that is actually much more powerful and true and real than the dark egoic part of us. This higher self connects us to what some may refer to as God, or what I like to call Universal Power or Source Energy or Divine Guidance. Once we make the decision to step out of the limiting beliefs of our ego and connect to the universal intelligence or higher self inside of us, our life then transforms into a fun magical journey of excitement and adventure, even with all the twists and turns that may not feel comfortable and pleasant at times. Sure there will be days when I am tempted to fall back into that same old dreary mindset when my brain is out of whack due to lack of sleep, rest, or mindful living. 

But once I have realized this truth, I can never go back. my head, heart, and soul have changed for the better forever. It has seen the light. And no matter how dark some days can be, there is a secure knowing that all I need to do is to allow the light to come in. To remind myself that all the love and happiness in the world lie inside of me, not anyone or anything else. That we all create, live and breathe the world we create inside our heads each and every moment. And that if we didn’t like what we have created, we hold the power to change our thoughts so that we can create a different reality. 

And to start with a deep and unconditional sense of self-love is the key to fulfill all the lack we have ever felt inside of us. Once we learn to love ourselves and our lives, we can then truly love anyone or anything else.