The Truth of Effortless Effort

Growing up, I had always been someone who is an all or nothing person. I was always someone who strives for perfection but if I start to feel that perfection is out of reach, I would just want to give up completely.  I either was in a state of 100% motivation or I feel I have to drag myself through life because I have 0% motivation. I had never experienced long enough how it feels like to feel balanced, wholesome, and in state of allowing myself to just “be”. Those moments are the rare, fleeting moments that may happen out of the blue only to be gone again.  Life usually is either composed of trying so hard because I want something so bad or not wanting to try anymore but still feeling the inescapable “musts” and “shoulds” that become the tormenting undercurrent that direct my thoughts and actions each day.

After the age of about 13, I never really experienced what it feels like to feel carefree, the kind that feels caring but still free from all the cares in the world. I would either care so overwhelmingly until I burn out and not wanting to care anymore. I became very afraid of myself, of not being “good” enough, and being very afraid of living and Life itself. I bought into society’s threats that the world is a very scary and competitive place and that you had to work extremely hard to be deserving or worthy of even any bit of happiness or success. I bounced back and forth between the idea that happiness and success only meant tremendous hard work or that only a few people are simply lucky enough to attain it.  That special valuable feeling or should I say a “knowing”, a certainty that we will always be okay no matter what, that life was taking care of me and every single of us, and that everything always happen for a reason was completely foreign to me growing into adulthood. That kind of certainty never existed in my consciousness. Internally I would freeze in fear and judge myself about everything I did or did not do that I ended up with a chronic decades long and often unbearable pain from extreme tension in my shoulders. I soon figured it was because I would literally stop breathing whenever I felt scared which was most of the time for the past 20+ years. But I just could not relax no matter how hard I tried. Actually the harder I tried, the harder everything became.  Life for almost the past 30 years have felt like being on an endless roller coaster ride of very high ups and very low downs without an ability to step on the brakes out of my own free will. I had no control. And when I felt like I completely lost all control, it would get so bad that I wouldn’t have the will to live anymore. My thoughts would often drive me to the point of thinking that there’s no point to living if the experience of life is meant to be this painful.

I always wondered how other people could keep going. 

Now I know that everyone have their own internal struggles that others know completely nothing about. But there are also those few people in the world who could actually for the majority of their lives, enjoy their lives and take things as they come. I always wondered what was the secret to living like that? Or is that even really possible? Now after years of internal torment which lead to my insatiable desire to figure out and heal my own pain, I started to read countless books on spirituality, healing, and meditation since I was a teenager. I must say that in those teenage years, I now look back and realize I only understood less than 10% of what I read. But they were beginning glimpses into a life mindset that I knew were a much better alternative to the grim mindset I was much more familiar with.

Now I would say I am learning to unlearn the fixed mindset approach to living life. And once I have, I started to paint again...at first very stiffly...and now much more freely..but it does take time, will, and a commitment to never be stifled by our own negative thoughts and fears any longer. 

As I continue to expand my selection of books and reread and reflect as well as becoming older with more life experience throughout the years, I can say my understanding and practice is becoming more in depth and meaningful than ever before. I have come across several mini “aha” moments in realizing secret life truths that I never was taught or intuitively trusted myself enough to figure out growing up. Here are the most profound truths that is creating a complete transformation in my life that I would love to share with you: 

1. We are already worthy and invaluable without having to do or prove anything to ourselves or anyone. (This one is the most shocking to me initially because I had completely believed that I was extremely flawed and had to work hard and always do the right thing to be even a somewhat worthy.
2. Life (God, the Universe, Higher Power, Divine Source, or whatever you can want to call it) is always supporting us whether we are aware of it or not. 
3. We all have this inner knowing, an intuitive guide inside all of us if only we learned to start trusting ourselves. 
4. We are much more than our brains and bodies, that our souls are the most invaluable and truest part of us.
5. It does not matter what anyone else thinks of us as long as we have a healthy relationship with ourselves as that will dictate all other relationships in our lives. 
6. Life is an exciting experience full of infinite possibilities and  limitless freedom and that we always create our own reality depending on what we choose to focus on, think about, and make decisions on our actions and behaviors. 
7. To become more mindful of when we are in resistance mode and gently remind ourselves that we always have the choice to let go and surrender to what is at any moment. Complete surrender brings about the kind of peace and true happiness that any amount of effort, money, or control can’t. 
8. The most rewarding and fruitful kind of creation is the kind that free from fear and rigid expectations and instead, in feeling fulfilled through the process of creating itself.